What Not to Say to Someone with Binge Eating Disorder (From a Salt Lake City Therapist)
As a binge eating disorder therapist in Salt Lake City, Utah, I work with women every week whose greatest struggle isn’t just food, it’s shame. Shame about their bodies, their eating, their lack of control, and the fear that the people closest to them don’t really understand what they’re going through.
If you love someone with binge eating disorder, your words can either help soften that shame or deepen it. If you’re the one struggling, comments that seem small or “well-intended” can land in a way that feels exposing, humiliating, or confirming of the belief that something is wrong with you.
Recovery from binge eating disorder isn’t just about changing eating behaviors. It’s about feeling safe, understood, and supported both in therapy and in relationships. That’s why it matters so much how we talk to someone who is struggling.
Can you and I also make a pact before we go any further? I need you to be open if you see yourself in some of these points, AND for you not to close the tab, ok? I also need you to know that I am going to be pretty bold, and it might hurt to know some of these truths, but your loved one with binge eating disorder needs you to be better. I know you’ve done your best with what you’ve had, but once you learn how to do better, please rethink how you’re speaking to someone with this eating disorder.
Why Shame Is Central in Binge Eating Disorder
I have worked with all different types of eating disorders at all levels of care so I feel like I have enough experience to say these things. People with binge eating disorder have more shame than any other eating disorder. It makes my eyes water every time I see it on their face. It’s absolutely heartbreaking, and to be honest, it infuriates me at the same time. The shame comes from well-meaning friends and family members, our society, and especially other medical professionals. In this world, it’s seen as far worse to binge than to restrict food. What people don’t realize is that they are both harmful, and people with binge eating disorder restrict too. In fact, that’s often how binging starts.
Again, binge eating disorder is derived from restricting foods. This means that people don’t develop binge eating disorder because they just didn’t have enough control, but because they restricted and controlled food for way too long. It’s a normal and natural biological response to be deprived of food. If you’ve dieted over and over, you likely are going to binge at some point. Why? Again, because your body doesn’t like being deprived and doesn’t trust you anymore. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news that your body is upset with you. Even mental restriction is enough to make your body rebel and restrict. Trust me, restricting food ain’t it, and it sure isn’t a solution to binging.
What Not to Say to Someone with Binge Eating Disorder
Trust me, there are plenty of things you shouldn’t say to someone with binge eating disorder but these are some common phrases that are harmful and will likely lead to us talking about you in therapy ;).
“Are you sure you want to eat that?”
Being the food police to someone struggling with binging will not be helpful. What your loved one is eating is not your business and even if you are concerned don’t say this. Also, don’t say this to anyone even if you don’t think they have an eating disorder. Our bodies send us hunger and fullness signals and don’t require an outside source to tell us not to eat something. This is also incredibly embarrassing to anyone and especially someone with an eating disorder.
2. “Have you just tried ____ *insert diet* to control your eating?”
Dieting is the reason why binge eating disorder is born. Cutting out foods and restricting them will increase cravings for these foods. Encouraging more dieting and restrictions will continue to fuel the eating disorder. This is already a common approach to binge eating disorder to just diet to regain control when dieting is what made you lose control.
3. “Did you eat all of the ____*insert food item*?”
This is a shame-based approach and it’s not a helpful way to confront a loved one with binge eating disorder. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be frustrated when food disappears or the money that you spend on food. I totally get it, and there’s a better way to talk about this with your loved one. Make sure you regulate yourself first before going into this conversation. If you value your relationship with the person in your life that is binging there are ways to talk about this. Most importantly don’t have these conversations in front of other people.
4. “You just need to have more control.”
Implying that someone with binge eating disorder is struggling because they don’t have enough control is not accurate. People who binge have utilized a great deal of self-control with food with dieting and restriction but they eventually can’t keep doing it. Our bodies aren’t made to restrict without it rebelling. Your brain doesn’t realize that you are trying to fit into different size of jeans; it thinks you are starving and it will do anything to stop you from doing it. It’s hard to imagine that your brain is actually your homie and is fighting to protect you but it is.
5. “It doesn’t seem like you are trying that hard”
I am trying to think of a scenario even outside of an eating disorder where saying this would be helpful, and I can’t think of one. Neither you nor I know what anyone is trying to work on from the outside. Eating disorders are complex and difficult to recover from. It requires time, professional help, and support from loved ones. People suffering from eating disorders want it to be over and done with more than anyone else. Saying a statement like this won’t motivate your loved one to kick it into high gear. They are going to feel bad about themselves and believe nothing they do is enough.
6. “Your eating disorder isn’t as bad as others”
Maybe this isn’t the exact statement you would use but my clients have shared that having binge eating disorder compared to other disorders like anorexia or bulimia makes it feel like their problem isn’t that serious. Minimizing a serious struggle isn’t helpful. Binge eating disorder has serious physical complications but the emotional and mental consequences are overwhelming and just as painful as any other eating disorder. If your loved one is a normal weight or “overweight” their eating disorder isn’t something to dismiss.
Give yourself compassion if you’ve found yourself saying these things out of frustration or lack of not knowing what else to do. You have never been in this position before, and you’re just trying to figure it out as you go. It’s ok to make mistakes but hopefully now that you know there’s a better way you’ll try something different. It can be a connecting experience to talk to your loved one about what they need from you and how you can support them. Some things can be hard to hear but they can also make for a better relationship. Educating yourself on binge eating disorder and eating disorders, in general, will help you understand more about what your loved one is experiencing.
How to Support Someone in Binge Eating Disorder Recovery
Encouraging your loved one in kind and supportive ways to seek out binge eating disorder treatment can help them get the help they need for their eating disorder. It’s discouraging for you and for them to continue to struggle and repeat the cycle over and over again. Eating disorders don’t have a quick fix and require the help of someone with specialized training. Encouraging your loved one to attend weekly therapy and supporting them in this will make a huge difference. It can take some pressure off of you to know they are working with someone who knows exactly how to help them. It might also be important for you to get your own therapy and have increased support as you are trying to help them heal and recover.
Binge Eating Disorder Treatment in Salt Lake City, Utah Can Help
Binge eating disorder treatment in Salt Lake City, Utah can help you break out of the cycle of restriction, binging, and shame by addressing the emotional, relational, and biological roots of binge eating, not just the behavior itself. People who binge eating issues are hesitant to reach out because they think they’re going to be judged for their body, behaviors, or prescribed another diet. Let me assure you I am not here to do that. You can trust that you are safe with me, and I know how harmful dieting is and how diet culture deserves punched in the face. I promise you I won’t make you feel bad about your struggle. I know that your eating disorder is about way more than food and I want to help you heal those past experiences. It’s possible to feel better about yourself and your body.
My Approach to Binge Eating Disorder Treatment
The goal of binge eating disorder treatment is to help you learn to accept your body and to stop binging and restricting. This is the cycle that fuels this eating disorder and learning to stop is an important part of healing. I don’t talk to my clients a lot about food because I’m a therapist and not a dietitian. I always recommend my clients see an eating disorder dietitian but with me, we work on healing from the past experiences that contribute to you not feeling like your enough and the overemphasis that’s been placed on your body. I’m not here to help you lose weight and hell will freeze over before I would :) Why? Because that involves restrictions that will fuel your eating disorder. I want you to learn to trust and listen to your body’s cues and get your body to trust you again. Intuitive eating binge eating is the approach I recommend.
I work with women and families across Utah who are affected by binge eating disorder, including clients in Salt Lake City, Provo, Logan, Ogden, St. George, and surrounding areas. For many, shame around food and body size has been reinforced not only by diet culture but also by well-meaning comments from loved ones and medical providers. Through online binge eating disorder treatment in Utah, people are able to get specialized, compassionate support even if there isn’t an eating disorder therapist in their immediate town.
Begin Binge Eating Disorder Treatment in Salt Lake City, Utah
If you’re the one struggling with binge eating, I want you to know this: your eating disorder isn’t about a lack of control or willpower. It’s about your nervous system, your history with food, and the ways your body learned to protect you. Shame has likely kept you silent for a long time, and you deserve support that is compassionate, specialized, and safe.
If you’re here because you love someone who is struggling, your care matters more than you may realize. Recovery is not something your loved one can do alone, and it can be a relief to know they’re working with someone who understands binge eating disorder deeply and won’t shame, minimize, or prescribe more dieting.
I provide binge eating disorder treatment in Salt Lake City, Utah, for women who are stuck in the restrict-binge-shame cycle and are ready for something different. In therapy, we focus on healing the emotional and relational roots of binge eating, building safety with food, and developing a kinder relationship with your body.
If you live in Salt Lake City or anywhere in Utah, you can also work with me through secure online eating disorder therapy in Utah, making it possible to get specialized care even if an eating disorder therapist isn’t available in your immediate area.
To get started:
We’ll talk about what you or your loved one has been struggling with
If it feels like a good fit, we’ll begin binge eating disorder treatment together
Many of the women I work with also struggle with body image, anxiety, and the emotional aftermath of chronic dieting. These pieces are often deeply connected, and therapy can help you work through them in an integrated way.
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Maple Canyon Therapy in Utah. She specializes in working with women who struggle with binge eating disorder, body image, anxiety, and the emotional impact of chronic dieting and shame. Ashlee has provided eating disorder treatment across all levels of care, including inpatient, partial hospitalization, and outpatient settings, and brings a trauma-informed, Health at Every Size®-aligned approach to her work.
She provides binge eating disorder treatment in Salt Lake City, Utah, as well as online eating disorder therapy for women throughout Utah. Ashlee is passionate about helping women develop a safer, more compassionate relationship with food and their bodies, and about educating families and loved ones on how to support recovery without reinforcing shame.
When she’s not in session, Ashlee enjoys spending time with her husband and their two Goldendoodles and exploring Southern Utah, including Zion National Park.