If you are someone that struggles with anxiety, you’ve likely been given unhelpful advice at times on how to manage it. Most people give this advice because they don’t truly understand the depth of anxiety because they’ve never experienced it themselves, or they’re uncomfortable with emotions that aren’t deemed positive. If you are reading this and you love someone that struggles with anxiety I want to give you a little insight about anxiety.
Anxiety is not something that can be controlled with a flip of a switch. Just because someone experiences anxiety it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying or they are bringing it on themselves. Our brains are complicated sometimes, and each person has to find what works for them. If you have a loved one that experiences anxiety, I would certainly invite you to go inward on what’s happening for you when you know they are feeling anxious. Are you uncomfortable with their anxiety? Do you not understand their anxiety? Are you desperate to make them feel better? Whatever it is you need to understand that their anxiety isn’t about you. You cannot manage someone else's anxiety for them but there are things you can do to be supportive and helpful. Some of the things you might say to someone with anxiety aren’t supportive and can be really invalidating. Let me introduce you to some.
“Just try not to worry about it”
I would guess if you are using this statement you’re probably pretty uncomfortable with someone’s anxiety. As I said before people don’t have the ability to turn off their brains and simply stop worrying about something. I assure you that anxiety is already uncomfortable and overwhelming enough that if this was an option for people they would have done it long ago. Instead of asking your loved one not to worry about it try, “What can I do to help support you right now?”
“Calm down”
Those two words do not activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the part of the nervous system that calms). I’m sorry I don’t make the rules. Again using this statement is likely a result of your own discomfort, and maybe it’s time to own those feelings. Ironically, saying “Calm down” will have the opposite effect. It’s bound to make someone feel unheard and realize you are not a safe person to be open with about what your loved one is experiencing. Try “I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone” and then be present with them.
“It’s all in your head”
In my opinion, this is the worst one. Yes, anxiety begins in our brains so, of course, it’s in people's heads. This statement has another meaning and when people hear it they are not only invalidated but they feel crazy and as if they are making their anxiety up. I don’t think people want to be anxious. I work with women with anxiety, and they don’t enjoy the experience of feeling anxious, and they don’t want to feel crazy or believe that you think they’re making this up. Try instead, “Do you want me to listen, or would you like a distraction?”
“You need to change your thoughts”
I will give you some credit if you’ve used this statement before. One approach to anxiety management for some people is to work on changing their thoughts. It’s not my favorite approach because it’s not always effective or worth someone’s energy to chase down all their thoughts and try to change them. The reason people fall into thought traps is likely because of past experiences. Those are the experiences that are worth focusing energy and time on healing. We are also missing the big part of the fact that anxiety is an emotion, not just a thought. Anxious thoughts can accompany anxiety but changing your thoughts doesn’t change an emotion. We cannot just turn off an emotion. Try instead, “I am sure this is overwhelming for you. What can I do to help you cope?”
“Focus on praying and having faith”
This one. This response may be said with good intentions but my oh my is it a shaming one. Let me remind you that anxiety sometimes arrives outside of people’s control. When someone prays and tries to have faith and the anxiety doesn’t go away, they are led to believe it’s their fault. They must be doing something wrong if they’ve checked all the spiritual boxes and are still struggling. Prayer and faith can be a helpful tool for SOME people, but they aren’t the cure. Please don’t say this to anyone about any physical and emotional struggle. It’s not their fault that they have anxiety. Try saying, “I’m sure it’s hard to feel positive right now. What do you need from me?”
Please remember to be gentle with your people that have anxiety. Validating and being present with their emotions actually helps them get through the experience faster but doesn’t always mean it’s a quick and easy process.
Anxiety therapy can help
Whether you struggle with anxiety or a loved one, anxiety therapy is the secret sauce. It’s actually not that big of a secret, but maybe you’re not quite a believer in counseling. If you don’t know how to help yourself or someone you love that struggles with anxiety, consider anxiety therapy. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are crazy or that something is wrong with you but it does make a world of difference to work with a trained mental health professional. As a therapist, I have spent years studying mental health and how to help people struggling, and want you to know you are not beyond help if you are struggling. Anxiety therapy is an investment that you will not regret.
Start anxiety therapy near Provo, Utah
If you are struggling with anxiety and want help learning to cope with your emotions and work on the root of the problem, I can help. This Northern Utah Counseling Practice has a therapist for anxiety specializing in anxiety treatment. To begin therapy, follow the steps below:
Complete online forms and meet with an anxiety therapist
Begin anxiety therapy
Work with an anxiety therapist online in Utah
I want to make therapy as accessible for you as possible. It’s not easy to take time out of your work and school schedule to meet with a therapist. I also know how important it is to prioritize your mental health, which is why I offer online therapy in Utah. It’s safe, convenient, and just as effective as in-person therapy.
Online therapy allows me to work with clients in Logan, Salt Lake City, St. George, Heber, Cedar City, and more.
Other mental health services at Maple Canyon Therapy
Anxiety therapy isn’t the only counseling service at this Utah County Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon Therapy include binge eating disorder treatment, eating disorder therapy, birth trauma therapy, body image therapy, and trauma therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt is licensed clinical social worker in the state of Utah and owner of Maple Canyon Therapy in Northern Utah. Ashlee has two bachelors degrees in psychology and family life and human development from Southern Utah University. She has a masters in social work from Utah State University. Ashlee enjoys helping women who struggle with dating anxiety and high functioning anxiety find the relief they desperately deserve. She has been practicing therapy for almost a decade and enjoys the privilege of working with some of the loveliest people she has ever met. When Ashlee isn’t practicing therapy, she enjoys time outside and spends time at the North Park in Spanish Fork.