What Is Toxic Perfectionism? A Therapist’s Perspective for Women in Utah
You may have heard the term toxic perfectionism before, or this might be the first time you’re coming across it. Many women I work with across Utah describe feeling like they have to do everything “right,” be high-achieving, and hold themselves to impossible standards at work, in school, and in their relationships. Wanting to do well and care deeply can be strengths, but when the pressure to be perfect never turns off, it can start to feel exhausting and overwhelming. As a therapist working with women in Utah, I rarely see perfectionism that feels balanced or peaceful, because as humans, we aren’t built to perform flawlessly all the time. So when does striving to do well cross the line into something that actually hurts you? Let’s explore what toxic perfectionism really means and how anxiety therapy can help.
Many women in Utah who struggle with toxic perfectionism also notice rising anxiety, overthinking, and a constant fear of making mistakes. Working with a therapist who understands these patterns can help you begin to untangle them and learn new ways of relating to yourself through anxiety therapy for women in Salt Lake City.
What is toxic perfectionism?
Toxic perfectionism is a mindset that is rigid in holding yourself or others to unrealistically high standards. These high standards are not attainable and result in burnout and strained relationships. It is common for these perfectionists to be angry and disappointed when they don’t achieve their goals. Toxic perfectionists will take a hit on their self-esteem when they are unable to achieve the goals or expectations they have for themselves. They may also become overly critical of themselves or others. Like perfectionists, toxic perfectionists can be focused on people pleasing at their own expense. As a result, these perfectionists experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Toxic perfectionism disregards the effort and growth that might occur when trying to achieve goals because of the intense focus on a perfect outcome.
Why Toxic Perfectionism Is So Common for Women in Utah
For many women in Utah, perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well. It can feel tied to being a “good” person in a spiritual and moral way. In church culture, women are often taught to be kind, helpful, and a good example to others. There is a strong focus on being Christlike, faithful, and doing the right thing. These values can be meaningful, but they can also create a lot of pressure. Some women feel like they have to get everything right or they are letting God down. Others worry about being judged by people in their community if they make mistakes or struggle. Over time, this can turn into toxic perfectionism, where it feels like you have to be flawless, not just good enough.
What are the symptoms of toxic perfectionism?
Not everyone who experiences toxic perfectionism will have all of the listed symptoms. These are just some of the common symptoms of toxic perfectionism:
Unrealistic standards
Fear of failure
Critical of self and others
Need for control
Procrastination
Rigidity
Somatic symptoms
Interpersonal relationship difficulties
Anxiety
Depression
Insomnia or trouble sleeping
Imposter syndrome
For many women across Utah, these patterns didn’t come out of nowhere. They often formed in families, faith communities, and environments where being good, responsible, and high-achieving felt tied to love, safety, or worth. Working with a therapist who understands anxiety, perfectionism, and the cultural context of being a woman in Utah can help you make sense of where these patterns came from and what your nervous system learned early on. You can learn more about online anxiety therapy for women in Utah and what support can look like.
What causes toxic perfectionism?
There’s never a simple answer to complex issues such as toxic perfectionism. Toxic perfectionism can be influenced by so many factors. Here are some common factors to consider:
Genetics
There is research suggesting that genetic factors can contribute to the development of perfectionistic tendencies. There’s so much we still don’t know about genes and how it relates to perfectionism but at this point, we know there is some relationship.
2. Parenting and childhood experiences
Being raised by perfectionistic parents or parents who have high expectations can lead to toxic perfectionism. When there is a strong emphasis on achievement and success in a family, this influences perfectionistic behaviors.
3. Trauma
Those who have experienced trauma may have learned to cope using perfectionistic behaviors. Those who have been through trauma may have learned that they experienced less emotional or physical abuse when they were successful.
4. Personality traits
Certain personality traits may be more prone to become toxic perfectionists. Personality traits such as high conscientiousness, neuroticism, need for control, high standards, and OCD traits.
How to stop toxic perfectionism?
Being able to stop toxic perfectionism is no small task and requires a lot of support including the help of a mental health professional. Being able to overcome toxic perfectionism involves practicing self-compassion, learning to cope with anxiety, and challenging the negative beliefs you have about yourself. To be successful in letting go of toxic perfectionism long term, addressing underlying trauma and learning to manage underlying mental health issues is critical. Overcoming toxic perfectionism takes time and patience. It doesn’t happen overnight because it didn’t develop overnight. You probably have more experience with using perfectionistic behaviors than you haven’t.
What are the signs of perfectionism?
Perfectionism is highly individual and unique to each person. These are common signs of perfectionism:
Setting extremely high standards for oneself or others.
Procrastination. Perfectionists procrastinate for fear that they can’t achieve a goal or complete a task to their high standards.
Overthinking. Perfectionists tend to overthink or overanalyze situations.
Focus on outcomes and achievement. Perfectionists focus on achieving their standards rather than growth and learning.
Black and white thinking: Perfectionists tend to think of things in extremes and don’t see a middle ground.
Control. Perfectionists have a need to feel in control of situations, people, and emotions.
Self-critical. Perfectionists can utilize negative self-talk, and blame, and are overly hard on themselves.
Overcoming Perfectionism
The first step to overcoming toxic perfectionism is to notice when you are setting impossible standards for yourself. Think about the areas in your life where perfectionism causes stress—maybe at work, in school, or even in personal projects. Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic or if they are setting you up to feel like a failure. Try adjusting them to be more reasonable, allowing space for mistakes and learning. When you accept that nobody is perfect, it takes away some of the pressure and helps you feel less anxious.
Being kind to yourself is also an important part of overcoming perfectionism. If a friend made a mistake, you wouldn’t tell them they weren’t good enough—so why say that to yourself? When you feel like you’ve failed or didn’t do something perfectly, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and that’s okay. Practicing mindfulness, like taking deep breaths or focusing on the present moment, can help you stop worrying so much about your flaws. Learning to be more understanding toward yourself will help you break free from toxic perfectionism and feel more confident in your everyday life.
Therapy for perfectionists in Utah can help with toxic perfectionism
If you are someone struggling with toxic perfectionism, there’s help for you. You can work through toxic perfectionism in therapy. Therapy can help you learn to understand self-compassion and how to practice it. You can learn to challenge negative self-talk and be able to change and challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself. You may have learned to use perfectionistic tendencies as a way of coping with trauma or anxiety. Working with a therapist can help you learn to cope in a more healthy and effective way. You can also learn to heal from your trauma and work through the other underlying emotional issues you may have experienced or be experiencing. Therapy may not be easy but it’s worth the effort and impact it will have on your life. You deserve to be seen and understood. You can overcome toxic perfectionism, and promise that therapy is a valuable tool to help.
Begin therapy for perfectionism in Salt Lake City, Utah
You don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of perfectionism. You can learn to be kind to yourself and not give yourself a hard time when you don’t do as well as you would have liked. This Utah Counseling Clinic has a compassionate therapist who specializes in treating perfectionism. To begin counseling follow the steps below:
Meet with a therapist for perfectionism
Start healing from toxic perfectionism
Online Therapy in Utah
I know it’s not easy to access a therapist that specializes in what you need. It can be inconvenient to travel to a therapy appointment when you don’t have the time. This is why I offer online therapy in Utah. It’s just as effective and helpful as in-person therapy but much more convenient.
Online counseling means I work with women all over Utah. I work with clients in Logan, Salt Lake City, Provo, St. George, Cedar City, Heber City, and more.
Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon Therapy
Therapy for perfectionism isn’t the only therapy service provided by this Utah Counseling Practice. Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon Therapy include anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, eating disorder therapy, counseling for college students, birth trauma therapy, binge eating disorder treatment, and body image therapy. Schedule a consultation today to see how I can help!
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Maple Canyon Therapy, an online counseling practice serving women in Salt Lake City and across Utah. She earned her master’s degree in social work from Utah State University and holds two bachelor’s degrees in Family Life and Human Development and Psychology from Southern Utah University. Ashlee has been working with women who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and people-pleasing since 2013. She helps high-achieving women develop self-compassion, understand the roots of their high standards, and feel less driven by fear of making mistakes or disappointing others.