Being a perfectionist often comes with being a people-pleaser. Not always but the two qualities can come hand in hand. Some perfectionists fixate on their relationships with others and want to show up perfectly. They want to be able to take care of everyone they love, and they certainly want everyone to like them. This might be something hard to admit as a perfectionist and people-pleaser but it’s actually pretty typical. However, if you are a people-pleaser and perfectionist, it’s important to be able to learn to prioritize your own needs and develop healthy boundaries. Sometimes the women I work with don’t see people pleasing or perfectionism as problematic at first but with some awareness, it can start to become more apparent why it might be causing you trouble.
What does it mean to be a people pleaser?
Being a people pleaser means that you put in extra effort to try and make other people often at your own expense. People-pleasers want to badly meet the needs of other people so much that they disregard their own needs, desires, and opinions. These people will push their own feelings aside in order to avoid conflict or to make another person happy. People leasers have a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries. They have a hard time telling people “no” even when it might benefit them personally.
It can be seen as altruistic and a positive quality to want to make other people happy. People-pleasing is often an unhealthy behavior because it leads to burnout, resentment, and other negative consequences. People-pleasers have an intense fear of being disliked and their behaviors can stem from insecurity and low self-esteem. Having these personality traits and struggles can result in people manipulating or taking advantage of you.
Is people pleasing a form of perfectionism?
People pleasing definitely can be a form of perfectionism. A sign of perfectionism can be people-pleasing. Both of these tendencies have similar traits such as a desire to be without flaws, being fearful of making mistakes, or failing to meet the expectations of others. People-pleasers may be willing to do whatever it takes to make other people happy and disregard whatever the cost is to themselves. Both perfectionism and people-pleasing may focus more on the opinions of others and the fear of failure. To clarify though, this doesn’t mean all perfectionists are people-pleasers and it doesn’t mean all people-pleasers are perfectionists.
How are perfectionism and people-pleasing related?
Perfectionism and people-pleasing can be related by the similar characteristics of wanting to live up to high expectations of others or themselves. Perfectionism involves the desire and pursuit of flawlessness, fear of making mistakes, and an intense fear of failure. Perfectionists tend to set high and often unreasonable goals for themselves. They can be relentless in trying to achieve these goals. People-pleasers will sacrifice themselves and their own desires to meet others' expectations.
Both people-pleasing and perfectionism possess the same qualities of fear of failure and a need for approval from others. People pleasers and perfectionists may both fear rejection and want to avoid conflict. Perfectionists and people-pleasers are prone to experience anxiety and stress as a result of these behaviors. Both perfectionists and people-pleasers may have strained relationships or a lack of genuine relationships as these behaviors interfere with the quality of interpersonal relationships.
Why are some people people-pleasers?
There are several different reasons why people end up being people pleasers while some people aren’t. Here are some of the common reasons why people become people pleasers.
Early childhood experiences
Temperament and personality traits
Religious or cultural expectations
Anxiety
Desire for approval
Low self-esteem
Parental influence
What causes people pleasing?
It’s important to note that some people have learned to people-please as a way of survival. They also have learned that life ends up being easier when you can make people happy and get people to like you. People pleasing can be a skill that can be helpful in certain situations. Being able to read social situations and how to respond effectively ends up being helpful in getting along with others. It can be easy to only demonize people pleasing but to understand that it can be a skill to use but when it crosses the line to impacting your well-being and stems from fear, it’s problematic.
There is not one simple cause of people-pleasing that could be identified. What is known about people pleasing is that early childhood experiences can have an impact on the development of this behavior. Children may grow up in situations and environments where they didn’t have their needs met or prioritized. They may have been rewarded for prioritizing the needs of others over their own. Children may have learned to cope by using these behaviors in traumatic situations.
People that struggle with low self-esteem may learn to people please because they learned by doing so they feel validated or valued by other people. Some people possess personality traits that make them want to be highly agreeable or have a need for approval.
What are examples of people-pleasing behaviors?
It would not be possible to name every single person-pleasing behavior that existed, but there are common themes in people-pleasing behaviors. Here are some of them:
Saying yes to things that you don’t actually want to do
Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault
Avoiding expressing your own opinions
Changing behaviors or personalities to fit other people's needs
Putting other's needs or desires above your own
Overcommitting to things in order to please other people
How to stop people pleasing everyone?
One of the most important things you can do to start to combat people-pleasing behaviors is to learn to set boundaries. This means learning to be clear about what your own needs and desires are. Learning to be clear about your own limitations before you are placed in a situation where you might be vulnerable to try and please others will be helpful. Practice saying no more often than you currently do. No can be one of the scariest words for a people pleaser but just like all things it gets easier with time and practice. Challenge your negative beliefs about yourself. Often the need to people please can be fueled by a negative attitude or thought about yourself. It might be different for everyone but often the belief that you aren’t good enough contribute to the cycle of people-pleasing. Seeking support from others including a mental health professional is important in being able to overcome people-pleasing behaviors. It’s not easy to let go of this pattern of behavior and it will take the support and help of people that are safe and can be supportive of you.
Therapy for perfectionism can help you overcome people-pleasing
Therapy can provide you with valuable tools to challenge both people-pleasing behaviors and perfectionistic tendencies. Working with a therapist that specializes in treating perfectionism and people-pleasing can help you become more self-aware. You can learn to cultivate more self-compassion for where you struggle and learn to improve upon the behaviors you want to. Therapy provides a safe environment to be able to practice being assertive and to address the underlying issues and experiences that may have led you to cope with life through people-pleasing and being a perfectionist.
Start therapy for perfectionists in Utah
You can learn to put your own needs first. You can learn to say no and still feel confident in yourself and your relationships. Therapy can help! This Utah Counseling Center has an anxiety therapist that specializes in working with recovering people-pleasers and perfectionists. To begin therapy follow the steps below:
Meet with a caring therapist
Begin recovery from people-pleasing and perfectionism
Online Therapy in Utah
Online therapy offers you the convenience of accessing mental health therapy without you having to travel or commute to a therapy appointment. Online therapy sessions are just as effective as in-person therapy sessions and this is why I offer online therapy in Utah. You can meet with an online therapist to address your perfectionism from the comfort of your own home or office.
Online counseling means I work with clients in Salt Lake City, Logan, Heber City, St. George, Provo, Cedar City, and more.
Other mental health services at Maple Canyon Therapy
Therapy for perfectionism isn’t the only therapy service provided at this Utah Counseling Practice. Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon Therapy include anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, eating disorder therapy, binge eating disorder treatment, body image therapy, counseling for college students, and birth trauma therapy. Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation to start therapy
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt is a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Maple Canyon Therapy near Provo, Utah. Ashlee has a bachelor's degree in psychology and a bachelor's degree in family life and human development both from Southern Utah University. She obtained her master's in social work from Utah State University. Ashlee loves helping women shed their need for perfectionism and to challenge themselves to say no and to not people-please. She enjoys using EMDR to address the desire to be approved of by others and to lessen the holds that perfectionism has on the women she works with. Outside of therapy, Ashlee enjoys spending time outside with her dogs and exploring parts of Southern Utah.