“Is the fawn response even a real thing?”
That’s what my friend texted me back in 2020. At the time, TikTok had began circulating with videos explaining something called fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
I hadn’t learned about the fawn response in any textbook. It hadn’t come up in lectures or training. Not once had I heard it mentioned in my clinical work. But there it was, all over social media. It wasn’t a concept I had been taught, so initially I was skeptical that it was another pop psychology concept without merit. However, something about it stuck with me, and I tossed it back and forth in my mind. The more I sat with it, the more it clicked. Was this a missing piece that explained why so many of the women I work with struggle so deeply with people-pleasing?
In my work as a therapist providing trauma therapy, I started seeing how often these patterns show up—and how deeply rooted they are. To understand the fawn response, we need to rewind and understand how our bodies respond to stress, threats, and trauma.
What is the fawn response?
“The Fawn Response” was coined by therapist Pete Walker, and it spread like wildfire in the trauma-informed spaces and social media.. While there isn’t clinical research on the term “fawn” specifically, the behavior of fawning lines up with the concept known as appeasement in trauma research. Whether we call it fawning or appeasing the concepts are the same. Fight, flight or fawn is catchy that’s the term we will use here.
The word “fawn” implies being eager to please, behaving in an overly kind way, following rules, being compliant and obedient, especially to someone who has power over you. To be honest, for longer than I care to admit, I was picturing a fawn as a baby Bambi because who doesn’t swoon over a baby deer? But in this context, it’s less about being cute and precious and more about how we shrink ourselves to stay safe.
In the world of trauma, the fawn response is when a person tries to feel safe by people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being overly helpful, being kind, and attentive. At first glance, these might seem like positive attributes the motive comes from a place of fear.
How People-Pleasing Develops as a Survival Strategy
People-pleasing isn’t born out of nowhere. It starts for a reason, and its roots often go back to childhood. Sorry to be that therapist, but our early experiences really can help us understand more about why we show up the way we do now.
Maybe you had a parent whose moods you learned to tiptoe around. Maybe you figured out that keeping your room spotless or getting straight A’s helped you avoid being yelled at or punished. Over time, being helpful, quiet, and “good” became a way to feel safe. You became an expert on how to keep the peace.
Your free workbook is waiting
If you’ve ever felt guilty for saying no, or drained from always saying yes, this guide is for you. Inside, you’ll find scripts, prompts, and tools to help you protect your time and energy without losing your kindness or compassion.
Fast forward to adulthood, and that same people-pleasing survival strategy might still be running the show. Now it looks like saying yes when you want to say no, apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, or feeling anxious anytime someone is upset with you. You might find yourself over-explaining, avoiding conflict at all costs, or constantly checking in to make sure everyone’s okay (even when you’re not). It can feel like your worth depends on how needed, helpful, or agreeable you are. The tricky part is you might not even realize you're doing it, because it's been natural, the norm, for so long.
Signs You May Be Stuck in the Fawn Response
If your next question is, “Well, how do I even know if I’m fawning?’ Let me first validate that sometimes it's tricky to see even when it’s staring you right in the face. What makes it even more sneaky is that sometimes it mimics the values you already hold close: compassion, kindness, helpfulness, but the biggest difference is that fawning comes from fear. It’s not about kindness and compassion. It’s about keeping yourself safe. Here are some common signs to pay attention to:
You say yes to things you don’t want to, but then feel resentful later
You apologize constantly, even for things you didn’t do
You avoid conflict like the plague
You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
You focus more on others’ needs more than your own
You feel anxious or worried when someone is mad or upset,t even when it has nothing to do with you
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing might feel like winning some gold stars: being liked, being needed, being the “easy one”, the “pleasant one”, but the inner toll adds up fast. You start ignoring your own needs without even realizing it. You say yes when you’re already at capacity. You feel resentful, drained, and overwhelmed. Over time, you might even lose sight of what you want, because you're so used to bending around everyone else and have become an expert in anticipating everyone else's needs. If you and I are being honest with each other, being nice out of fear doesn’t feel good. It’s the worst.
Moving forward from the fawn response
Girl, it’s high time to start setting boundaries, and I get it, it doesn’t happen overnight. It also doesn’t come easily. It’s terrifying, sloppy, and can even involve some ugly crying in the shower. It must begin somewhere, and it’s not gonna be as precious or pretty as baby bambi, and that’s ok. This is about you now. It’s about offering yourself compassion so you can actually live your values, not from fear and anxiety, because it’s the truest version of yourself.
If this feels hard to untangle on your own, that’s because it is. It’s a messy, knotted-up ball of yarn that can feel nearly impossible to undo, and you shouldn’t have to try to figure that out on your own. That’s where therapy can help. As a therapist, never in a million years would I think of judging or shaming you for the ways that you learned to cope, to survive, to feel safe. Fawning is what you have done to protect yourself, and maybe it’s time to do something different. I’m not here to fix you because I truly don’t think you’re anywhere near broken, but I am here to help you think about yourself and become the person who chooses kindness, service, and compassion when you have the capacity and it’s what you truly want not because you’re scared of the consequences.
If this post resonated with you, you may also love my free workbook, What to Say When You Don’t Want to Say Yes. Inside, you’ll find simple scripts and gentle prompts to help you start setting boundaries without guilt.
Let go of people pleasing and begin trauma therapy in Utah
If you’re starting to see yourself in these words, I want you to know this: you don’t have to keep doing this. Trauma therapy can help you untangle the patterns that are costing you too much. This Utah Counseling Center has a trauma therapist who can help you work through your fawn response. To begin therapy, follow these steps:
Meet with a caring therapist
Begin healing
Online Therapy in Utah
The best part of therapy is that you don’t have to leave your home to get support. I offer online therapy in Utah, so whether you're in Salt Lake City, Logan, Heber City, Provo, Cedar City, St. George, or a small town in between, healing is just a click away. All you need is a quiet space and a good internet connection, and we’ll take care of the rest, together.
Frequently Asked Questions about The Fawn Response and People-Pleasing
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Yep, it really is. Even though the term fawn response isn’t something you’ll always find in a psychology textbook, the behavior behind it is backed by trauma research. It lines up with what’s known as appeasement, a way the nervous system responds to a threat by trying to keep the peace.
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The fawn response usually starts early in childhood, when your nervous system was still wiring itself and learning how to stay safe in the world. Maybe you grew up around unpredictability, yelling, emotional distance, and walking on eggshells. Maybe being quiet, helpful, or "good" kept the peace. Over time, your brain picked up on the message that pleasing other people helped you stay safe and survive.
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Description text goes hereTherapy helps you make sense of where your people-pleasing patterns came from because I promise, they didn’t just show up out of nowhere. As a therapist, I help you explore how your nervous system learned that being helpful, agreeable, or invisible was the safest way to move through the world.
For some people, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be a powerful part of the therapy process. EMDR helps you reprocess the experiences that taught your nervous system to freeze in the first place.
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The fawn response usually shows up when a child grows up in a space where love, safety, or connection feels unpredictable. Maybe you had a parent whose moods ran the show, or you were expected to be the peacemaker in the family. Maybe being helpful, quiet, or perfect was the only way to avoid punishment or get attention or praise.
It doesn’t always look like “big trauma.” Sometimes it’s the subtle, repeated moments where your feelings were dismissed, your boundaries didn’t matter, or you felt like you had to perform to be loved. Over time, your nervous system learned that people-pleasing = safety. That pattern can follow you into adulthood, even when it’s no longer needed.
About the Author
Ashlee Hunt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the owner and founder of Maple Canyon Therapy, an online therapy practice in the state of Utah. She holds a master’s degree in Social Work from Utah State University and has over a decade of experience helping women navigate trauma, people-pleasing, body image struggles, and the lingering effects of childhood wounds. Ashlee has worked at every level of eating disorder care and specializes in trauma therapy using approaches like EMDR, parts work, and mindfulness-based strategies. Her work focuses on helping clients break free from trauma responses like the fawn response and people pleasing. In addition to her clinical work, Ashlee has served as an adjunct professor in the Department of Social Work at Utah State University, where she has taught beginning practice skills and trauma-informed approaches to future clinicians.
